I feel so much relief, but I am deeply tired, the performance, and all the emotions I have just been through have drained me of all my energy.
This is just a rambled response to my performance.
I’m so relieved about how it went and the feeling that I got while I was doing it
I was able to truly delve into my emotions and really show them, and I had been afraid that I wouldn’t be able to access that vulnerability in front of an audience of mostly strangers. I didn’t forget any of my lines – at least I believe I didn’t, I still need to watch the video recording of it – it was incredible! I feel that I was very present while I was performing and like I was hyper aware of what I was doing. The emotional parts of the performance were intense -they were for me and I feel like the audience had a reaction too, I could see people crying and I could feel the concentration that people had on me as I was consciously making eye contact with the audience members..
After the performance finished there was a minute of loaded silence. It was so strange and surreal it was a very loud silence I could hear all of these emotions coming from the audience I could feel their response before they gave me their feedback, before they started clapping.
The cutting my hair at the end – didn’t go how I planned because the scissors I used were rubbish, but also because the emotions I was feeling at the end were not what I had planned or expected like I had written in stage directions to calmly, slowly and precisely cut each piece, looking at members of the audience individually with each new cut. However by the time this monumental moment came, I felt like I was going to scream and I was doing it quite intensely, it all happened quite fast and became something else which was quite energetic, almost mad. My movements, my words and the cutting became ferocious, it’s hard to find the exact words to describe it.
During the whole piece, I feel like I had good rhythm and I gave the right words space and emphasis when they needed it, it was very much like slam poetry.
People came up to me at the end- a group of my friends came and hugged me- it was a big group hug, I was not expecting that, but I needed it. Strangers came up and hugged me wanting to express their intense emotions, which I was surprised by. I was able to touch people’s emotions and the audience understood me! It was like 50 people sitting in front of and around me all really focused on me and they really truly saw it and felt it.
I feel so much relief (which I keep repeating) and I feel so whole for having done it. I’ve never done a performance piece and I know, with this feeling, that I’m going to continue to use performance art in the future.
It was a fitting end to the 2 years at art college, because it was a culmination of everything that I’ve been going through my whole life and these last two years I’ve been talking about and processing it. This piece was the point where I chose to share it and acknowledge my own story.
I’m incredibly proud of myself I feel light and calm and I don’t really care what mark I get. For me it was enough it was exactly what I wanted it to be and more, even though It didn’t all go to plan, this feeling that I got out of it afterwards was worth everything, and it was more than I had hoped for.
One thing which I still need to do is look back at the recording of it, because I don’t know what I said! There are moments which stick out really clearly in my head, when I felt intensely the emotions of my past, and I could feel the audience too, but it’s all a blur in my head so I’m really excited to see the video and to see what I actully did. It’s still a whirlwind of emotional things and moments, the performance to me was made up of moments and I’m intrigued to see what it actually looked like to the audience.